It has a name!

Apologies all around, I know I have been blog-less for an unreasonable amount of time and I know you’s (been in Philly long enough?) are desperate for a little taste.

For those of you that have been living under a rock my life has changed pretty drastically since my last post. I got laid off my job and made a HUGE move to Philly pretty quickly. I am going to art school for graphic design working on my second bachelors so I can get tattoo sleeves and be weird while still getting a legit paycheck.

I work at a sports bar and have once again been blessed to be in the company of some extremely weird people. Last night we went to a tavern on south street where everything is 2 dollars (wells and beers). Being the asshole that I am, I still managed to spend an irrational amount of money because I refused to drink anything but Jameson and apparently homelessness is part of my inevitable future.

Cut to me discovering what seemed like an innocent game of darts in the back of the bar. I immediately asked to be put on the list and was rudely greeted by a man with a ponytail despite the current year being 2012.

future husband?

I was put into some bracket where it seemed like I was at the bottom of the list and no one wanted to be my partner, but in my whiskey-clouded state I most likely deemed everyone unworthy to be my partner. I was teamed up with a man whose name was Katmandoo? or something crazy like that and looked a little like coolio but I think had a nicer face and the game was underway.

At some point, Ponytail (it was later decided he was mentally challenged and was at the bar by himself not surprisingly ) decided that I was not taking this game of darts seriously to which I responded “its just darts, bro.” and he decided to pick a fight with me.

I remember him calling me “fat” and “ugly” and the only thing I could think was that he had a ponytail so no normal person could reasonably be offended by anything that he said. Later on, he decided to just call me “it” which at this moment I still find to be incredible hysterical but my poor friend Bri was NOT having it and in her vodka-induced state I remember her screaming at him “It has a name!”. If I have my way I honestly will have that sentence engraved in my headstone and I can rest in peace.

Shit gets a little blurry for me here but I recall pretty much everyone in the bar being on my side and being mad at this guy and it sounds weird but I honestly felt incredibly loved.

Also, its been brought to my attention that I left at some point to go get a tattoo and thankfully the shop was closed because I probably would have gotten “It has a name!” in scripture on my lower back because I was trying to be funny.

To cap the night off I stayed at an apartment on top of a wig store.

I love Philly.

 

Willow is starting to make me weep.

So I woke up this morning to a text from the bestie, sent at 5:30 am.

“Shut up willow smith “fireball” I’m dying right nowwww.”

I still don’t have a grasp on why she was up so early but we didn’t develop a rocky, slightly superficial friendship by asking tons of invasive questions now did we?

I don’t know if any of you have seen Willow Smith’s new video “Fireball” featuring Nicki Minaj but you should. I hate to be the one responsible for assaulting both your eyes and ears today, but someone had to do it. For that, I sincerely apologize.

*Editors note: After a quick Google search I found out that Willow did have another music video released in March 2011 called “21st century girl” and I don’t remember this even coming out or I saw it in March and blacked it out, I don’t know. I remember hearing somewhere that Willow Smith can’t even read or something ridiculous so she probably thinks that 21st century girl is some clothing line made by fashion-forward aliens and she asked her poor assistant to order her 21 pairs of cheetah print leggings from the website that doesn’t exist*

Hype Williams made the video and I kinda consider Hype to be the Samuel L Jackson of music video directors. Like some of Jackson’s films, sometimes he makes completely brilliant shit (i.e. Pulp Fiction) and sometimes he is simply there to collect and check and pay some bills (i.e. Deep Blue Sea, Snakes on a Plane, etc.). Whatever, make your paper boo boo.

This video is CLEARLY going to fall into the latter category. I may personally be over Willow and starting to get over Nicki Minaj but they are both still extremely marketable and more importantly, lucrative. However, this video is absolutely ludicrous in the worst of ways.

For the first 45 seconds I swore I was watching Star Wars or some sort of apocalyptic movie starring Bruce Willis or some other over-the-hill actor.

Enter in Willow2000, complete with metal headgear and all. They kinda ripped off Weezy’s “Fireman” vid a little except that song was awesome and this song is terrible. The sad part is the budget for Weezy’s was probably about $500K LESS than this video and still looked way better and didn’t make me feel like someone just played a practical joke on me after I watched it. I guess that is the difference between having actual talent and being a media marketing tool.

Okkk might as well start with the outfit. Sorry but combining black and yellow cordoroy? leggings, ill-fitting leather gloves, mini-jean-jacket with gold-plated embellishments and the boots that the scary guy that shoveled snow in the first Home Alone movie wore (I secretly have been looking for those EXACT boots) does not a fashionista make. There is a fine line between dressing unique and not caring what people think to just looking like an asshole. Just because you dumpster dove in the back of a Salvation Army doesn’t make you edgy and cool. You just look like you went dumpster diving in the back of a Salvation Army. Sorryboutcha.

I do think she is actually really pretty and give her snaps for working a short hairdo at such a young age, but I just cannot with everything else. She can’t dance (wait, scratch that, we kinda dance the same, so she is a really good dancer) or really even sing that well. She kinda seems like a mini Lady Gaga but her follow-up to her original song is just nahhhhttt cuttin’ it. And sorry but no one should be screaming “Beep Beep” in a song unless you are Aaron Carter circa 2000.

beep beep! Have a good time!

Nicki comes in at about 2:50 with nothing really to say and of course looking like if Reading Rainbow and Hello Kitty had a baby and that baby was a complete asshole. Her face is still money but it gets to a point that you keep dressing cleaaarrllyyy for attention, it just gets to be old news to me. Sorry, but that’s Pop Culture for ya. On to the next one. I guess someone figured if you put two people who are starting to annoy everyone together maybe they would cancel each other out and make a good song and video? FAIL.

overrrrrrr it

There is literally NO concept in the video. All they did was essentially shut down some street in Los Angeles (or rented a studio probs) sprayed the street so it looked wet and told some randos to lip sync and occasionally play with hula hoops.

Great work to all involved.

Terrible Xmas Gifts = Wonderful Idea

My friend Kim K. sent me this video today that some parents sent in to Jimmy Kimmel. The premise essentially is giving your kids shitty gifts to open before xmas and taping their reactions. I think it is BRILLIANT. Anyone that thinks this concept is mean should probably just stop reading now. My mom always talks about the “spirit” of Christmas more than the actual gift-giving but presents are always exchanged. In her defense, she usually throws in a big-ticket item that I was never even expecting. Love you mom – plane ticket this year? I know I said I would stop being such a grinch but kinda like the n-word, I wish Christmas didn’t even exist. I don’t mind getting and giving gifts but I sometimes think the world would be better off if there weren’t such ridiculous expectations around holidays like Christmas.

Here’s the deal, from early on we instill these expectations in our kids. I for one, can’t really remember any Christmas’ prior to age 5 and sure as hell can’t remember what I got prior to age 8. So why are we spending all this money on gifts that our kids def won’t remember and don’t even know how to appreciate? Until they are older and are expected to give presents as well as receive they will never truly understand and appreciate the gift-giving process. If you start giving them jewelry and go-karts at age 2, then what do you think they will EXPECT to be under the tree by age 10? Nothing short of a spaceship I am assuming.

I do not have kids, nor have the desire to have any, anytime soon. I think my mom did it right. I can’t remember if she gave me anything as ridiculous as a half-empty bottle of V8 for xmas (so funny) but there was never any need to get me anything ridiculous. As I mentioned in my Tis’ the Season post, I never ask for anything extravagant and I think it has 100% to do with the way I was raised. I have my spoiled moments but I am extremely grateful, for everything I have, big and small. When your parents teach you (or you are forced to learn yourself) the value of paying for shit yourself, you learn to appreciate the insight that comes from such a simple concept.

If you pay attention to the video, the younger one is perfectly happy with the roll of paper towels! Why?

a) He is too young to understand the value of anything, so paper towels are just as wonderful to him as a shiny new bike.

b) He hasn’t been ruined by materialism in modern society.

c) Paper towels are awesome.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time where all I wanted/needed in the world was a Bouncing Baby Doll that I probably ripped the head off of anyways….

Sigh.

S**t Girls Say

So this series of videos has come out and the first one is “Shit Girls Say” and growing up in the suburbs with various people telling me I talk like an actual valley girl leads me to believe that I am actually this girl 50% of the time. Hopefully less. I watched it and it is pretty dead on and I know for a FACT I have said these lines;

“Are you near a computer?

“I had to get up at like 6 this morning.”

“Listen, listen, listen, listen, LISTEN.”

“I hate trying on clothes.”

“You look good!” (this one is a damn shame because more often than not they don’t really even look that great)

Also, the constant looking in her purse was spot on because you all know we can never find our chapstick when we need it which is why I have recently, if at all possible, been using a wristlet for everything. And sorry but the scene where she was stuffing her face with chips was literally me last night as the holiday party winded down because I starved myself all day and drank too much vodka and thought I was going to die.

Then another video came out called “Shit Black Girls Say” and it is actually spot on too. I don’t really do that many stereotypical things (sorry, blame it on the suburbs) but if you know any legit black girls this shit is hysterical.Best lines are as follows.

“Ooh!Pull up the episode of basketball wives”

“Delete!” (GUILTY)

“Can you puhlease turn that down?” (guilty)

“Ooo turn that up, that is my JAM” (guilty)

“I can’t stand you!”

“Oh, you must be on front of yo friends!”

“Look at her shoes…” (guilty)

‘Tis the season

I have fairly and justifiably been called a Grinch before. I hate Christmas music, egg nog, how dry my skin gets in winter, defrosting my car, snowball fights (I have an unfair disadvantage due to my height and every snowball no matter who threw it, goes directly in my face, and it hurts, a lot) buying presents, decorating, shoveling snow, etc. I realize that half the things I just named don’t even have anything to do with Christmas, just basic associations with winter. This is what a Grinch does. By definition a Grinch is a person who “spoils or dampens the pleasure of others”, particularly around the holidays. My poor mother who is a Sagittarius and whose ringtone may or may not at this exact moment be “Ode to Joy” and keeps a Christmas CD in one of six slots in her car cd player all year-long, was unfortunately gifted with two grinches for children. My brother is not as bad as me, he maintains a pretty apathetic mood around the holidays, but I actually think he secretly likes it a little, but just won’t admit it, so his “swagger” won’t become unbalanced.

I don’t hate everything about this time of year however. My favorite “Christmas” movies are “A Nightmare before Christmas” and “The Abominable Snowman”. I love sledding, skiing, Yankee swaps, Christmas parties, ugly sweaters, snowboarding and eating snow. I also like receiving gifts. My mother thinks of me as a spoiled brat but even she can admit that I am not a snob about much and I never ask for anything extravagant and always get her something that I think she would really like/asked for if I have the money. Frankly she confuses me, she talks a lot about the “thought” that really counts but she sure didn’t get upset when I gave her a niiiiiice gift certificate to Chico’s. She likes gifts too, but like my brother, won’t admit to it. THEY ARE BOTH FRAUDS! Being honest and real forever gets me into trouble. New years resolution? Be more fake.

So this year I wanted to experiment with being less miserable. On Thanksgiving I was only a little hung over and helped with the cooking (I am secretly a really good cook). My general mood was eh, but I kept it together and I think my mom had too much Merlot to notice the dirty looks I was giving her as she flitted around the kitchen TOUCHING EVERYTHING. I love the holidays.

For my moms early December birthday party, her fiancée planned a surprise party at a restaurant near his house which is fine for them but SO far for my brother and I. Smile. I love my mom. Took the hour and a half drive, ate the dry quesadilla, talked to a bunch of people I have never seen before but who allege they remember me from when I was little. Sure, whatever. I knew Carol was genuinely happy, especially cuz I slipped her a little TJ Maxx treat. Smile some more, I love the holidays!

I recently reconciled with an estranged friend that I to this day have no idea why the hell we were “estranged”. Whatever, she’s incredibly weird in the best way and I am glad we are friends again. Holidays can be fun.

I started back in therapy this week. This is not a taboo subject, no one is perfect and therapy is something I think everyone can benefit from. Get over yourself and work your problems out. Holidays can keep you sane.

Last week I wrote some letters to old friends/people I haven’t spoken to in years. In most cases, we both had taken some missteps towards the end and I wanted to take responsibility for mine. No hard feelings. Well wishes were given. Did I secretly want to be the bigger person? Maybe a little. Did I want and need closure? Absolutely. It’s amazing what a letter can do to free your soul.

In life, people grow apart, fight, lose touch. It’s okay. If you want to have communication with someone, do it. If you don’t, don’t. Don’t say “I should call..” Call them. Write them. Text them. Facebook them. Send them a tweet. I don’t care. Just don’t regret anything.

Write down your bucket list.

Do something you have always wanted to do. Go horseback riding. Sledding. Ice skating. Take a vacation if you can afford it.

Overtip. Sure the economy is bad but what are you doing keeping three extra dollars? Stop being cheap and get a grip. My generation generally tips well, but you would be surprised who is secretly cheap. Hint: the friend who lives in the sick house but likes to eat at buffets (sidebar: I will never be one of those people, it infuriates my mom so much because I have terrible money management, but I live in the now and that is why I am poor. I could die tomorrow, do I really want to pass up a road trip to go see a giant pancake? NO CHANCE! I also have a chronic case of FMI: Fear of Missing Something).

Call someone you have been meaning to call. Write someone you have been meaning to write.

Be nice to your parent(s). Everything you are and hope to be you owe to them.

Donate to a Toy/Can Drive. Toys for Tots is always in need. Go look in your pantry and grab some canned goods. It’s cold out there and people are hungry. I donate all my old clothes to Salvation Army. They might be rags and out of date to you, but it is a shopping spree for someone else. Don’t waste.

As hard as you might have it, someone, a LOT of people have it a lot worse. When you are in your warm house at night, sipping on hot cocoa and watching your DVR, remember how good you have it. Not far from your house, apartment, someone is sleeping outside, wondering where their next meal is. They won’t have a Christmas tree, turkey dinner or gifts to open this year.

Be thankful for the little things. Be nice.

Happy Holidays.

Love, A former Grinch.

Gaga’s New Vid – apologies, but it had to be addressed.

Lady Gaga just released her video for “Marry the Night”, the fifth single off her album Born this Way and its a little much (still didn’t hate it though). I used to be wayyyyy more obsessed with Gaga because her initial album was killer and she is such an advocate and voice for gay rights so I pretty much supported anything she does. I still do like her a lot but I am now able to look at everything she does from a much more objective point of view. This new video is 14 goddamn minutes long and is more of a performance piece/montage/concept stealer than a music video but whatever.

It is kind of a fictional version of her rise to fame.  I think parts of it are autobiographical after she was initially dropped from her first record label. It starts out in a mental hospital, so I am led to believe she lost her mind/attempted suicide/overdosed and this is where she is starting her life over. In her initial monologue she essentially says that she doesn’t lie about her past but prefers to think of it in an “artistic” way, a painting that hasn’t been finished. This is an interesting concept but it leaves me just feeling more confused because I don’t know what is real and what is not with her.  How can people, especially her fans, truly connect with someone who is possibly fictionalizing something so many people have gone through? Is she saying she didn’t go through such a dark time but can understand it? Or is she saying she did go through something similar and this is how she chooses to convey it, in a more glamorous and artsy way? Fuck if I know. This was all getting to be too much for me so I took a break about six minutes in, went and free based some Whiteout to clear my head and came back.

All in all, I think the video is ehhhh ok and the song is wayyy better to listen to than “Born this Way”. There were only 3 parts that bothered me. 1: Why was she wasting so many damn Cheerios? 2: Why is she putting toothpaste in her hair trying to convince people that she actually dyed it herself? 3: She needs to stop acting like a damn dance legend. I have been lucky enough to be friends with and gone to shows to see people who were born with the natural ability of dance and there is nothing methodical about watching them move, it is a fucking beautiful thing to watch. It’s the visual counterpart of hearing someone with a beautiful, god-given voice, sing. So, I’m sorry, but gaga, flipping around her glue-in weave and flopping around on the floor touching herself is hard for me to watch. On the flip side, I give her credit for her performing abilities because I watched her concert special on HBO and if tickets were a little more reasonable I would still go see her live (she doesn’t censor anything).

So, watch it, don’t watch it, throw your computer out the window and never read my blog again. Long hair, don’t care. She may bite (who in the hell doesn’t!!) from past artists sometimes but at least she has the balls to be doing something interesting/shocking/weird/inspiring with the amount of exposure she has right now.

You can watch it here.

All I Want For Christmas

My mom asked me for my Christmas list and various people have been asking me to put up another post so, boom, two birds with one stone.

I started brainstorming and my list started to become more of a “necessity” than “desire” list (blame it on the failing economy and my even bigger fail of a bank account). It’s so bad that I can’t even think about asking for anything crazy expensive because if I break or lose it I will probably pencil dive out a highrise.  I just want to smell nice and not walk around barefoot in the snow essentially. I am asking for extremeeeely reasonable and unexpensive things. (Dear my mom’s boyfriend: you have 2 cars and a boat – stop giving me personal checks for $25!!!). Also this year, since I am single (every damn year), my bro got laid off (update: employed again, study this list bro!), and I have a deadbeat for a father, looks like I am relying mainly of Carol for gifts. Yay mom!

Here goes:

Braided Cable Knit Ear Warmer: Urban Outfitters: $24Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE hats and headbands. Summer, winter, spring, fall, HATS & HEADBANDS.  These are super cute without giving you complete hathead, while allowing you to cover up when you don’t feel like straightening for an hour or putting that much effort into brushing yo hurr.

Numark iDJ Live – $100 (used)

I can make beats! DJ Pollipockit here I come!

TOMS Red Houndstooth $54

I am slowly trying to own every pair of TOMS possible (if you have ever owned them you know what these things feel like on your feet) but they add up after a while so I am hoping someone will buy me these gems so I can slip them on while enjoying a nice hot black tea, splash of skim, 2 equals in front of a frosted window this winter (in reality watching re runs of the first season of It’s Always Sunny on a loveseat drinking a Black Russian)

I will take these as well.

TOMS Black Vegan Wrap Boots – $98

As you can see from the prior request, one of the few weaknesses I do have is boots but I don’t care about name brands, you can get a really good pair of good leather boots for a good price, but I am in dire need of a good pair of riding boots. Any version close to these will do thank yaaa.

Enzo Angiolini ‘Saylem” Riding Boot – $150

Armani Code – $58

This is my favorite scent ever. I like my perfume like I like my humans; androgynous as all hell.

Awkward Family Photos the game: $23

I don’t even know what the premise or strategy is for this game but this is one of the best websites ever, so the game has to be at least a little bit awesome.

Marc Jacobs Flap Pouchette: $248

I don’t think anyone loves me enough to buy me this 😦

That’s all I can muster up right now, I will always accept cash or gift certificates to Ulta, DSW, TJ Maxx, etc.

If anyone wants to toss a job my way that doesn’t make me want to kill a small child that would be fine as well.

Did anyone know that Lindsay Lohan’s little sister made music? Welp she made a Christmas song and filmed it on the holiday backdrop at JC Penneys family photo section. Watch this if you really want all your xmas dreams to come true 🙂