It has a name!

Apologies all around, I know I have been blog-less for an unreasonable amount of time and I know you’s (been in Philly long enough?) are desperate for a little taste.

For those of you that have been living under a rock my life has changed pretty drastically since my last post. I got laid off my job and made a HUGE move to Philly pretty quickly. I am going to art school for graphic design working on my second bachelors so I can get tattoo sleeves and be weird while still getting a legit paycheck.

I work at a sports bar and have once again been blessed to be in the company of some extremely weird people. Last night we went to a tavern on south street where everything is 2 dollars (wells and beers). Being the asshole that I am, I still managed to spend an irrational amount of money because I refused to drink anything but Jameson and apparently homelessness is part of my inevitable future.

Cut to me discovering what seemed like an innocent game of darts in the back of the bar. I immediately asked to be put on the list and was rudely greeted by a man with a ponytail despite the current year being 2012.

future husband?

I was put into some bracket where it seemed like I was at the bottom of the list and no one wanted to be my partner, but in my whiskey-clouded state I most likely deemed everyone unworthy to be my partner. I was teamed up with a man whose name was Katmandoo? or something crazy like that and looked a little like coolio but I think had a nicer face and the game was underway.

At some point, Ponytail (it was later decided he was mentally challenged and was at the bar by himself not surprisingly ) decided that I was not taking this game of darts seriously to which I responded “its just darts, bro.” and he decided to pick a fight with me.

I remember him calling me “fat” and “ugly” and the only thing I could think was that he had a ponytail so no normal person could reasonably be offended by anything that he said. Later on, he decided to just call me “it” which at this moment I still find to be incredible hysterical but my poor friend Bri was NOT having it and in her vodka-induced state I remember her screaming at him “It has a name!”. If I have my way I honestly will have that sentence engraved in my headstone and I can rest in peace.

Shit gets a little blurry for me here but I recall pretty much everyone in the bar being on my side and being mad at this guy and it sounds weird but I honestly felt incredibly loved.

Also, its been brought to my attention that I left at some point to go get a tattoo and thankfully the shop was closed because I probably would have gotten “It has a name!” in scripture on my lower back because I was trying to be funny.

To cap the night off I stayed at an apartment on top of a wig store.

I love Philly.

 

Willow is starting to make me weep.

So I woke up this morning to a text from the bestie, sent at 5:30 am.

“Shut up willow smith “fireball” I’m dying right nowwww.”

I still don’t have a grasp on why she was up so early but we didn’t develop a rocky, slightly superficial friendship by asking tons of invasive questions now did we?

I don’t know if any of you have seen Willow Smith’s new video “Fireball” featuring Nicki Minaj but you should. I hate to be the one responsible for assaulting both your eyes and ears today, but someone had to do it. For that, I sincerely apologize.

*Editors note: After a quick Google search I found out that Willow did have another music video released in March 2011 called “21st century girl” and I don’t remember this even coming out or I saw it in March and blacked it out, I don’t know. I remember hearing somewhere that Willow Smith can’t even read or something ridiculous so she probably thinks that 21st century girl is some clothing line made by fashion-forward aliens and she asked her poor assistant to order her 21 pairs of cheetah print leggings from the website that doesn’t exist*

Hype Williams made the video and I kinda consider Hype to be the Samuel L Jackson of music video directors. Like some of Jackson’s films, sometimes he makes completely brilliant shit (i.e. Pulp Fiction) and sometimes he is simply there to collect and check and pay some bills (i.e. Deep Blue Sea, Snakes on a Plane, etc.). Whatever, make your paper boo boo.

This video is CLEARLY going to fall into the latter category. I may personally be over Willow and starting to get over Nicki Minaj but they are both still extremely marketable and more importantly, lucrative. However, this video is absolutely ludicrous in the worst of ways.

For the first 45 seconds I swore I was watching Star Wars or some sort of apocalyptic movie starring Bruce Willis or some other over-the-hill actor.

Enter in Willow2000, complete with metal headgear and all. They kinda ripped off Weezy’s “Fireman” vid a little except that song was awesome and this song is terrible. The sad part is the budget for Weezy’s was probably about $500K LESS than this video and still looked way better and didn’t make me feel like someone just played a practical joke on me after I watched it. I guess that is the difference between having actual talent and being a media marketing tool.

Okkk might as well start with the outfit. Sorry but combining black and yellow cordoroy? leggings, ill-fitting leather gloves, mini-jean-jacket with gold-plated embellishments and the boots that the scary guy that shoveled snow in the first Home Alone movie wore (I secretly have been looking for those EXACT boots) does not a fashionista make. There is a fine line between dressing unique and not caring what people think to just looking like an asshole. Just because you dumpster dove in the back of a Salvation Army doesn’t make you edgy and cool. You just look like you went dumpster diving in the back of a Salvation Army. Sorryboutcha.

I do think she is actually really pretty and give her snaps for working a short hairdo at such a young age, but I just cannot with everything else. She can’t dance (wait, scratch that, we kinda dance the same, so she is a really good dancer) or really even sing that well. She kinda seems like a mini Lady Gaga but her follow-up to her original song is just nahhhhttt cuttin’ it. And sorry but no one should be screaming “Beep Beep” in a song unless you are Aaron Carter circa 2000.

beep beep! Have a good time!

Nicki comes in at about 2:50 with nothing really to say and of course looking like if Reading Rainbow and Hello Kitty had a baby and that baby was a complete asshole. Her face is still money but it gets to a point that you keep dressing cleaaarrllyyy for attention, it just gets to be old news to me. Sorry, but that’s Pop Culture for ya. On to the next one. I guess someone figured if you put two people who are starting to annoy everyone together maybe they would cancel each other out and make a good song and video? FAIL.

overrrrrrr it

There is literally NO concept in the video. All they did was essentially shut down some street in Los Angeles (or rented a studio probs) sprayed the street so it looked wet and told some randos to lip sync and occasionally play with hula hoops.

Great work to all involved.

Terrible Xmas Gifts = Wonderful Idea

My friend Kim K. sent me this video today that some parents sent in to Jimmy Kimmel. The premise essentially is giving your kids shitty gifts to open before xmas and taping their reactions. I think it is BRILLIANT. Anyone that thinks this concept is mean should probably just stop reading now. My mom always talks about the “spirit” of Christmas more than the actual gift-giving but presents are always exchanged. In her defense, she usually throws in a big-ticket item that I was never even expecting. Love you mom – plane ticket this year? I know I said I would stop being such a grinch but kinda like the n-word, I wish Christmas didn’t even exist. I don’t mind getting and giving gifts but I sometimes think the world would be better off if there weren’t such ridiculous expectations around holidays like Christmas.

Here’s the deal, from early on we instill these expectations in our kids. I for one, can’t really remember any Christmas’ prior to age 5 and sure as hell can’t remember what I got prior to age 8. So why are we spending all this money on gifts that our kids def won’t remember and don’t even know how to appreciate? Until they are older and are expected to give presents as well as receive they will never truly understand and appreciate the gift-giving process. If you start giving them jewelry and go-karts at age 2, then what do you think they will EXPECT to be under the tree by age 10? Nothing short of a spaceship I am assuming.

I do not have kids, nor have the desire to have any, anytime soon. I think my mom did it right. I can’t remember if she gave me anything as ridiculous as a half-empty bottle of V8 for xmas (so funny) but there was never any need to get me anything ridiculous. As I mentioned in my Tis’ the Season post, I never ask for anything extravagant and I think it has 100% to do with the way I was raised. I have my spoiled moments but I am extremely grateful, for everything I have, big and small. When your parents teach you (or you are forced to learn yourself) the value of paying for shit yourself, you learn to appreciate the insight that comes from such a simple concept.

If you pay attention to the video, the younger one is perfectly happy with the roll of paper towels! Why?

a) He is too young to understand the value of anything, so paper towels are just as wonderful to him as a shiny new bike.

b) He hasn’t been ruined by materialism in modern society.

c) Paper towels are awesome.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time where all I wanted/needed in the world was a Bouncing Baby Doll that I probably ripped the head off of anyways….

Sigh.