All I Want For Christmas

My mom asked me for my Christmas list and various people have been asking me to put up another post so, boom, two birds with one stone.

I started brainstorming and my list started to become more of a “necessity” than “desire” list (blame it on the failing economy and my even bigger fail of a bank account). It’s so bad that I can’t even think about asking for anything crazy expensive because if I break or lose it I will probably pencil dive out a highrise.  I just want to smell nice and not walk around barefoot in the snow essentially. I am asking for extremeeeely reasonable and unexpensive things. (Dear my mom’s boyfriend: you have 2 cars and a boat – stop giving me personal checks for $25!!!). Also this year, since I am single (every damn year), my bro got laid off (update: employed again, study this list bro!), and I have a deadbeat for a father, looks like I am relying mainly of Carol for gifts. Yay mom!

Here goes:

Braided Cable Knit Ear Warmer: Urban Outfitters: $24Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE hats and headbands. Summer, winter, spring, fall, HATS & HEADBANDS.  These are super cute without giving you complete hathead, while allowing you to cover up when you don’t feel like straightening for an hour or putting that much effort into brushing yo hurr.

Numark iDJ Live – $100 (used)

I can make beats! DJ Pollipockit here I come!

TOMS Red Houndstooth $54

I am slowly trying to own every pair of TOMS possible (if you have ever owned them you know what these things feel like on your feet) but they add up after a while so I am hoping someone will buy me these gems so I can slip them on while enjoying a nice hot black tea, splash of skim, 2 equals in front of a frosted window this winter (in reality watching re runs of the first season of It’s Always Sunny on a loveseat drinking a Black Russian)

I will take these as well.

TOMS Black Vegan Wrap Boots – $98

As you can see from the prior request, one of the few weaknesses I do have is boots but I don’t care about name brands, you can get a really good pair of good leather boots for a good price, but I am in dire need of a good pair of riding boots. Any version close to these will do thank yaaa.

Enzo Angiolini ‘Saylem” Riding Boot – $150

Armani Code – $58

This is my favorite scent ever. I like my perfume like I like my humans; androgynous as all hell.

Awkward Family Photos the game: $23

I don’t even know what the premise or strategy is for this game but this is one of the best websites ever, so the game has to be at least a little bit awesome.

Marc Jacobs Flap Pouchette: $248

I don’t think anyone loves me enough to buy me this 😦

That’s all I can muster up right now, I will always accept cash or gift certificates to Ulta, DSW, TJ Maxx, etc.

If anyone wants to toss a job my way that doesn’t make me want to kill a small child that would be fine as well.

Did anyone know that Lindsay Lohan’s little sister made music? Welp she made a Christmas song and filmed it on the holiday backdrop at JC Penneys family photo section. Watch this if you really want all your xmas dreams to come true 🙂


When I Grow Up

The current state of our economy isn’t all that bad. For instance, if I wasn’t stuck in a per diem job that pays me peanuts I would never have had the motivation to start this blog out of sheer anger and defiance at corporate america’s total “take me for granted” attitude towards me. If you didn’t publicly or secretly hate your job, you wouldn’t be reading this blog, allowing me to bring a little more sarcasm into your already cold and dead heart.

Being the bipartisan that I am, I have decided to look at the terrible economy/job market as a bit of a godsend. If I didn’t quit my salaried job in Pittsburgh (making close to 40K which is incredibly decent there) because I was in a rut and unhappy I wouldn’t have been jumping from assignment to assignment the past year in Massachusetts after the relocation. I never would have found out how much I actually hated working in corporate America because trust me, nothing makes you find out how much you hate something faster than when you get paid dogshit.

If it wasn’t for the economy I never would have decided to go to grad school, ultimately changing my mind after a few months and realizing if I went to grad school I would still be in the same position in 2 years, but in a ton of debt. If it wasn’t for the economy I never would have decided that I ultimately want to go to art school and finally free my creative mind, and work towards a career I could really be myself in.

Now I had a pretty late in life diagnosis of A.D.D. (I always internally knew it was a possibility but because I worked extremely hard to get good grades, no one seemed to really be that concerned about how much harder it was for me to pay attention when it came to analytical things) and like most humans, I went through a plethora of phases, especially when it came to the age-old question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

The following are some that I can recall:

Garbage Man (1990):

My second favorite character on Sesame Street (lagging only to the wonderful, but slightly “challenged” Elmo who I actually named my first cat after) was Oscar the Grouch. My love for this cynical, trash can dwelling monster only seems to foreshadow the cynical, trash can dwelling monster I turned into as an adult. But alas, I loved his attitude. Oscar represented the working man and his indifference to authority and social standards was mesmerizing. I loved him. And my 5-year-old brain truly believed that if I became a Trash Lady we would be best friends and throw banana peels at people all day and that was what true happiness really was.

Plastic Surgeon (1993):

This is probably where you could pinpoint the approximate time I became a little superficial (it’s a pretty standard characteristic of Gemini’s). I somehow figured out that doctors made a lot of money and specifically plastic surgeons really raked it in. I am not sure how I stumbled upon this realization – I don’t believe TigerBeat had a Forbes 100 section, but anyways it is what it is. My superficiality, as it sometimes does, gave way to pure laziness when I soon found out how many years of school it takes to become a doctor. Pass.

Paramedic (1996):

As a huge fan of blood, gore and guts I thought being a paramedic would be a good career path. I used to race my friend during blood drives to see who could fill the bag faster and I had suffered more broken bones than the cast of Jackass. I was a tough little kid and figured I could use my expertise to help those less fortunate. I believe the interest was lost when I figured out how little they made and I became privy to the less “glamorous” parts of the job, i.e. ugly, homeless and smelly people.

CEO (2000):

I was shooting for the stars on this one ya’ll.

Professional Breakdancer/Pool Shark/Acoustic Guitar Player (2003):

These 3 things were on my new year’s resolution list from I would guess 1995-2005 and every year I failed miserably at doing any of them. I would try for about a week and would convince myself that I was the only brown person in the world who didn’t have the breakdancing gene, my involuntary eye twitch prevented me from having the hand-eye-coordination necessary for billiards and my hands were toooo teeny (valid) to properly strum a guitar. These excuses prevented me from ever following through and I finally gave up on my dreams 5 years into the new millennium. Sigh.

Public Relations Exec:

I worked my ass off and went through some of the most trying/fun/emotional/challenging years of my life in undergrad and came out with my Bachelors in media and professional communications and certificate in corporate and community relations. I went to Career Services, met with the socially anxious counselor, went home watched and episode of Sex and the City and decided that I wanted Samantha’s job. Seemed easy enough? She was slutty and got people to like someone else under false pretenses. Easy enough! This idea was good on paper except it was completely unrealistic and nearly impossible to obtain and I didn’t know anyone that was in a high up advertising position, anywhere and it’s really about who you know, not what you can do, which, ironically, is what this particular career is all about.

I do love to wear a pencil skirt and a blazer when I'm feeling successful...

Journalist (2009):

Nearly every writing class and especially Journalism I had in undergrad and even in high school provided me with this almost narcotic-like feeling of escapism – except I never loved it and I was okay, but certainly no where near the best. I hate grammar, my vocab is mediocre at best and sometimes I misspell words and I don’t care. I had a Journalism teacher in undergrad tell me with work I could actually make a good Journalist because if you know me, you know I am not afraid to ask the questions that no one else will and certainly don’t care what the repercussions are. I never LOVED it though, it wasn’t about the money (or lack of) or the notoriety, I just never felt 100% connected to it, it was more of a hobby and seems it always will be.

Comedian (the past 15 years):

Ok, I know humor is subjective and I am no Louis CK, but if you know me, and we are friends, I have made you laugh, A LOT.  If someone asked you to describe me in 3 words, I am positive that “funny” will be one of those words. Herein lies the problem; I have pretty bad stage fright. So much so when put on a stage, with people staring at me, all chances of being funny are pretty much nil. I have actually done stand-up before, just to prove it to myself and although I didn’t kill, I didn’t bomb – and I may get back up there someday. I have an ability to entertain pretty much any demographic though, it’s all about reading people and figuring out what your limits are.

Costume Designer/Graphic Designer (2011):

My love of Halloween, dressing/being weird and arts and crafts has always made me wonder if this was something I should pursue. When I was little used to go into my moms makeup case and use my brother as a mannequin to practice making fake gunshot wounds and lacerations on (they came out honestly pretty bad ass for an 6-year-old or anyone). Here’s what I know for a fact. I am creative, I am strange, I think outside the box. I just need the formal training. Recently I decided to apply to art school and figure out exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Now, I can wear my Toms, finish my tat sleeves, not brush my hair if I don’t want to and

Adios soon enough, corporate America 🙂

A skripper says what?

So I was thinking today that I might seriously have thought about becoming a stripper at some point during undergrad if I wasn’t built like Snooki and it got me thinking…Remember when we used to go by the old version of “What’s you Stripper Name?” and it was the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on? Ya, well according to those guidelines my name would have beeeeeen

“Elmo Rocky Pond”

Right. Naaahhhttt cute.

This is what Elmo Rocky Pond the stripper most likely looks like:

This old system of discovering our alter ego as a lady of the night only rewarded about 1% of the population with the chance of having an awesome skripper name. I mean, ‘cmon, what were the chances you would end up with something like Candy Rain?

About as likely as the Duggers voluntarily deciding to stop having children.

So I found some new guidelines and I was super excited because it gave wayyyy more options and it was seemingly at random. It was inevitable to get a great name! I couldn’t wait! Here’s the breakdown:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p= Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c =tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I couldn’t wait! My upper lip was sweating at the anticipation! I felt like the kid in the movie “A Christmas Story” as he is waiting for the cryptograms over the radio so he can decode the super secret message from Little Orphan Annie. I had my tongue in the corner of my mouth, my eyes were squinting from the stress (constipation?)! I peed, but just a little. The moment was here! My super awesome, slutty, new and improved skripper name waaasssss

Princess Glitterridge.

What the SHIT!?!?!

This is what I have been waiting for after years of disappointing and terrible escort pseudonyms? This was absolute horseshit. All these possible options and I couldn’t even come out with something only moderate awesome, like I don’t know, Trixie Shimmercheeks? I would have even settled for Chesty Razorthong. But no I get something that sounds like a straight-to-DVD, kidz version of the Lord of the Rings. Just Great. Seems like I wasn’t meant to be a skripper in real life or the imaginary world in my head. Sometimes you just need to listen to the signs.

Just make it clap.

Badly Awesome Cinema

Since cinema became popular movies have been put almost immediately in subcategories of epic, good, bad and downright shitty. When movie reviews and critics became more palpable, the masses have generally succumbed to what a few pompous, self-righteous journalism/film majors have told them to think. True I would agree with some,  don’t get me wrong. I took a look at Time Magazines 100 Greatest Films list and there are a few on there that I DEF agree with:

City of God (2002)
E.T. (1982)
Detour (1945)
Goodfellas (1990)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Raging Bull (1980)
Schindler’s List (1993)
Star Wars (1977)

*some more evidence that the 90s was the greatest decade of all time*

Ok, so that’s fine. I am not that much of a psuedo-hipster that I am going to reject a cinematic masterpiece just because it got great reviews. Credit given where credit is due. However, not all films were created equal. The Razzie Awards were created to give recognition, wanted or not, to the worst films of the previous year. I would agree that Gigli (don’t judge if you’ve never seen it, make your own decision ya’ll), Glitter and Crossroads (lesson learned here is pop stars shouldn’t act, sorry Justin Timberlake, you too.) were legit terrible, piece-of-shit movies. BUT, you know what? There are some AWESOME bad films out there, and I like them. I don’t even consider them a guilty pleasure because I am not ashamed at all; here are some of my favs.

Stargate (1994)

Sci fi flick centering around the concept of the eye of Ra (Egyptian Sun God) and some other Egyptian-esque themes. The acting isn’t great but I am a big fan of exotic looking brown people and any film featuring Kurt Russell with a FIERCE buzz cut is all right with me. Plus, the young dood playing the reincarnated Ra literally was my first look into androgyny and I to this day think he was one of the most beautiful humans ever created.

I swear to Ra this is a guy

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

American fantasy drama film. Young girls imaginary friend from childhood pops back into her life as an adult when she is going through a weird time and needs to learn how to be happy and carefree again. I actually love the concept, because I am still that girl that pines to frolic on playgrounds on swingsets and play with gimp (and I DO). It is supposed to be a children’s film but it teeters with black comedy, emotional abuse and mental illness and if that doesn’t sound like a feel good family film I don;t know WHAT does. Only downfall I can think of is the main guy reminds me of Russell Brand.

British humor at its weirdest

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

German fantasy novel turned into a film. A young bullied boy named Bastian (best name ever!) starts reading this book and suddenly is delved into the INSANE world of Fantasia (no relation to the American idol singer). This movie is kind of like an 1980s Chronicles of Narnia (Narnia is still pretty bad ass though) but this film was before CGI and all this virtual stuff. Plus I had crushes on the little boy Atreyu (another sick name!) and the Empress. Also, there was this giant flying dragon dog thing that I wanted as a pet for yearssssssss. Looking back? This movie was like a really bad acid trip in the best possible way.

Atreyu still makes my knees weak.

The Sweetest Thing (2002)

I was actually surprised that this movie kept popping up on so many “worst” lists because I genuinely think this movie is funny. True, it is not winning any Oscars, but I am positive the director never intended to do so. It is kind of like an American Pie for girls. While the main characters are aesthetically revered as above average archetypes for women, it gets kind of real and doesn’t show women as these robots handcrafted from chauvinistic minds who don’t ever poop, fart, wear spanx or always wear tons of makeup. I am also pretty sure I didn’t have a firm grasp on what a glory hole really was before this movie came out. For that, I thank you. Christina Applegate is HILARRR in this.

not what it looks like...well, not COMPLETELY what it looks like...

Little Monsters (1989)

ONE.OF.MY.FAVORITE.MOVIES.OF.ALL.TIME.  Hands down. This movie not only featured two, YES TWO Savage brothers but it brought to life that fear you had when you were little that something might be under your bed. However, it wasn’t scary it was AWESOME. Well, actually, parts are kind of scary, but it completely warps and distorts all childhood fears and fantasies (at least mine). This movie rules. The main monsters name is Maurice (played by Howie Mandel!) and is a punk rock, blue lizard-like man. I repeat – THIS MOVIE RULES.

throwback fred sooooo kewt.

K welp, here’s my list. It kind of seems that I am really into badly scripted 80s and early 90s films but hey, it is what it is. Those are two of my fav decades and my cinematic preferences clearly parallel that. If you haven’t seen any of these and you like weird shit, I fully support them all.

Honorable mentions:

Starship Troopers (1997)

Gremlins (1984)

The In Crowd (2000)

Beetlejuice (1988)

Quarter Century Life Crisis

I started thinking today about the circle of life. You know, the whole concept of starting out in diapers and eating mush and then slowly coming to the end of your life, adhering to the same bodily functions. Sucks right? Well I plan on finding the fountain of youth (Chef Boyardee?) before then anyways, so I am not worried.

This got me thinking about where my head was at today as opposed to, let’s say 10, 15 or even 20 years ago. I am not talking about professionally, though God knows I thought I would be famous or at least living the facade of a rich person by now, but I digress. Do you remember the shit we thought was really cool or lame when we were kids but think the exact opposite now? Let’s take a look-see shall we?

Cool then and lame now?

Staying up late: What seemed like a pasttime once revered as the coolest of the cool now sounds like the worst.time.ever. I would give anything to get to bed by 11 pm knowing I have to be up and in the shower by 5 am. Forget the fact that 4 hours of sleep is considered a godsend, you can catch me on any night of the week sleeping with ear plugs and praying to get into a REM cycle. Enjoy it while you can kids, soon sleep will be rarer than Nancy Grace using her “inside voice”.

nancy grace is the prettiest

Listening to loud music with lots of swears : I distinctly remember blasssting Lil’ Kim’s “HardCore” album and my mom came in right as I was singing along to the lyrics “Got buffoons eatin my p***y while I watch cartoons…” I have never seen a human fly across a room so fast. My mom snatched that CD out my portable boombox and sent that shit riiiiiiiight back to my friends house, never to be seen again. Nowadays? You can catch me nodding my head to Sade or catching up on a little NPR radio while stuck in rush hour traffic. Current events are kewl.

love nicki but kim did it first ya'll

Bad Boys: Remember the kid in the Korn t-shirt, gelled tufts of hair, ripped jeans and new airwalks that you couldnt get up the nerve to dance to the next Blackstreet slow song? Ya, well odds are he is probably living in the alley behind the hall where the school dances used to be held. He might have gotten a job after high school as a mid level manager at AutoZone but lost it due to his addiction to meth and painkillers. You know whats cool now? Good credit scores and paid vacations. I am still attracted to the artsy types and I hate boring people that never do anything spontaneous, but I am not paying your bar tab anymore. Follow your passion all you want (I do all the time) but its time to realize that bills need to get paid and paying bills, although depressing, is what adults do. Don’t believe me? See how long you last in a relationship with a person who doesn’t even qualify for a Gap card. Long hair, don’t care, how big your d is.

Lame then and cool now?

Naps: This is more of a generalization because I have ALWAYS loved naps. Then and now. The only difference is, I don’t have time for naps now, and on the extremely rare occasion I do, due to my adult-onset insomnia I wont be able to sleep at night for days. I have however babysat for numerous kids who would have thought I was asking them if they wanted to dip their hands in hot oil when I asked them if they were ready for a nap. Whatever, skip the nap now but in a few years you will be in tears reminiscing about the times a nap was a part of your daily schedule.

Homework: Most kids think of homework as the line you wait in before entering Hell. To me, I would rather do a couple math worksheets and write a 300 word response to “A Tale of Two Cities” a billion times over if it meant I never had to work in corporate America again. I think you would be inclined to agree my friends.

Parents: I went through quite a behavioral rollercoaster with my mom. From age 0-9 she was my entire world and I made this very clear when I threatened to drown myself in the lake when she sent my brother and I to sleepaway camp the summer I was eight. From age 10-15 I was the epitome of teenage girl adolescence and from what I remember about my general attitude during these years, especially towards her, I am to this day surprised my mom didn’t burn the house down, lock me in and collect the insurance check and start a new life. You could catch her riding into the sunset with a calico cat riding shotgun, top down in her new Mercedes coupe, license plate reading #FreeAtLst. Present day? Although I still make fun of her a lot I think of my mom as one of the most successful, responsible and strongest women I have ever met. Go Team Carol.

HBO's Cathouse or bust...

Ugh, I need a NAP.