Black Babies a.k.a. Birkin Bags

Goddddd dammmit. Another one. I honestly thought this trend was coming to a close with Brangelina adopting most of the Eastern Hemisphere. But nope! Here we go again. The black baby emporium has been on an upslide lately; Sandra Bullock, Mariska Hargitay, Madonna, Mary Louise-Parker, etc. Sandra of course, went out and snatched a little brownie after her breakup with Uncle Hitler a.k.a. Jesse James. Fair enough. Personally, I think a drug binge or some slutty behavior wuld have sufficed, but, do you gurl. I noticed Mariska Hargitay with a suspiciously dark-pigmented bundle of joy a few weeks ago and rolled my eyes at that a little but I have secretly harbored an SVU-induced crush on her for the past few years so I let it slide.

But then I ran across the above pic of Kristin Davis and her new daughter, Gemma Rose. Gemma, of course, is black. First of all, that is the WASPIEST name of life. Poor little Gem Gem is gonna get a rude awakening when she goes in for a job interview and they are expecting someone that looks like Justin Bieber (thats a girl right?) and in walks Beyonce. I can personally attest to this because although my first name is kind ethnic-ish, I know when I speak to them first on the phone they are surprised when my brown ass walks in, in Blowfish dress flats, because faces can never hide surprise ya’ll, fact. I have secretly hated Charlotte York Goldenblatt (I refuse to address her further by her real name or separate her from her Sex and the City character) for yearssss because of her character on that show and her plethora of “rich-white-lady-problems”. Bitch, you live in an Upper West Side, by New York standards, mansion. You volunteer at an art gallery. You volunteer. In. New York. Your life is awesome. Fictional or not, even playing this character gives you a sense of entitlement and pretentiousness I dont care what she is like in real life. Also, she adopted a Chinese baby in the series if you recall. Art imitating life?

I am actually a huge supporter of interracial families and adoptions and I think/hope at some point we will all be so integrated racially that racism will cease to exist. Plus mixed babies have a 95% of being completely sick-ning (in the good way) looking, so why not!!?!?

Here’s the deal. I do believe that normal (middle class) families are LESS likely to adopt a black baby than another race for a plethora of reasons, take your pick. Celebrities have the resources (money, best schools, etc) to provide a life for a baby that might otherwise go overlooked. NOT SAYING that average people don’t want to adopt black babies, I know many that are. JUST SAYING, I’m trying to come up with a reason for why every time I turn around I see another celeb with the new Birkin Bag a black baby.

But wait, who is gonna do their hairrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I hope they don’t end up looking like this.

Honestly though, show me a ugly black baby and I’ll show you 500 ugly white ones, sorryboutcha but at least from the beginning they are wayyyy cuter so I can’t even hate on the Bogo sale going on right now.

Ciao Bellas.

The Life of a Poor Insomniac

It’s no surprise that Americans and actually humans in general are worthless assclowns. Luckily, there are some smart peeps out there that have developed technologies that make it easier for people to be as lazy and useless as possible.

However, not all technologies nor ideas were created equal.

That, my lovelies, is what infomercials are for.

Infomercials are directed at the laziest of the obese of the klutziest out there. There are infomercial products to help you crack an egg, text on your cell, seatbelt cushions made out of teddy bears, motorized ice cream cones so you can get diabetes but avoid carpel tunnel syndrome, the magic bullet for those of us who are incapable of chopping or mixing, the mo’tato for people who need to make potatoes fun and easier to eat (WHO THE HELL NEEDS TO BE TRICKED INTO EATING POTATOES!?!?) a boobie supporter for ladies who like to sleep on their sides ..the list goes on people. And I am familiar with every last one of them.

The Kush Support ....... TOO EASY!!!!!

Being an insomniac while also being poor has awarded me the luxury and skill set to have a phd level knowledge of the latest infomercials products without actually having the option of whipping out my credit union debit card and buying one of these late-night, televisional gems.

I ran across this youtube video that is perfectly alligned to the tune of The Beatles “Help!”. If you ever wanted to see a montage that depicts the worst caliber of people doing absolutely nothing right, cheers.

Moving on, I honestly thought it would be more than a year before I would see something that would make me want to pencil dive out a window more than the Snuggie (saw a snuggie for tiny dogs!), but alas, last night, in between dvr’d episodes of the Golden Girls I ran across this CRAP.

wait....hanky pinky?

This abomination is called a “Forever Lazy” which looks suspiciously like a snuggie, but even more embarrassing and uncomfortable. It is literally an adult version of the one-piece pj’s we rocked as kids and peed in every damn last pair because our 4 year old motor skills couldn’t unzip it fast enough (The Forever Lazy actually has built in front and back slots so you dont have to take it off to use the bathroom….disgusting or genius??). Are adults supposed to freeball it like when we were kids? If clothes are supposed to be worn under it, it’s going to be the most uncomfortable thing ever. Like when you try to wear a cardigan over a non-long-sleeved shirt and spend the day wishing you could magically stretch the fabric. Imagine that on your entire BODY!?!? Yuck. I have to respect that the infomercial industry isn’t trying to masquerade behind the idea that you will still be a functioning and most importantly CONTRIBUTING member of society if you purchase their products.. The name in itself is a constant reminder, that you do indeed, suck at life.

THROWBACK!!!

Anyone remember this?

The Slim Suit did to infomercials what the Real World did to reality TV.

TGIF!

Bad Hygiene is the Key to Success

My brother, Goose Gossage and I often have text wars where we battle back and forth until one of us loses interests/dies from scurvy. For example, the other day when I remembered that I actually broke my VHS cop of SpiceWorld from overuse in the 90s we ended up getting into a 90s band-off via text (Butthole Surfers, Oasis, etc.) until I got off the subway and forgot where I parked my car and cried until I remembered I carpooled with a friend that day and she wasn’t out of work yet.

Pretty standard.

One of the most epic text-offs we ever had was the great, but often overlooked “Battle of the Celebrities we cannot STAND” (i.e. Matt Damon, Carson Daly, Rachel Ray, the entire cast of “Hey Dude”, etc.). This duel brought about a smaller, but equally as important subgroup; celebrities that look like they would smell in real life. The following is some of the most noteworthy celebs we are convinced smell like a mixture of unwashed feet and Whoopi Goldberg’s hair.

# 4 Rihanna
I will probably have some haters on this but despite the fact that basically all Rihanna songs are in my current shuffle of my ipod I am still sure that this chick stinks a little. I am not on #teamchris but has anyone ever wondered that JUST MAYBE he didn’t push her out of his Benz over a suspicious text but maybe he was just sick and tired that everytime she uncrossed her legs it smelled a little like Carribean spices over a cut of Tilapia?

BEST.YEARBOOK.PHOTO.EVER. can almost guarantee she is wearing jnco's and airwalks - I know I was in 1997.

# 3 Ke$ha
ok ok…I know this is an easy one, especially because she actually sings (talks?) about being basically the worlds biggest dirtbag ever. I am a huge fan of anyone owning anything that is a part of their character. You wanna be a dirtbag? Fine. Just don’t sit next to me on the rush hour subway. Wanna make millions of dollars while doing it? All the power to you I just hope smell-a-vision t.v. doesn’t make its way into the mainstream while I am still alive. Keep making songs that all sound exactly the same Ke$h, and I will still put them on a roadtrip mixed cd. xoxo, k!my@

# 2 Kirsten Dunst
Just. Gross.

aaaaaaaannndddddddd;the athletes foot-infused glass slipper GOES TO!

WINNER: Fantasia Barrino!!!
My brother convinced me longggg ago that this chick stinks to high hell. I have honestly never seen her look moderately attractive. Her mouth has the circumference of a football field and she is often covered in some sort of sheen that I would assume is attributed to her wholesome diet of toenails and beans straight from the can. Furthermore, any one that sings about collard greens deserves all the flack in the world. And shes pregnant? O lawddddd, hopefully she has a c-section because that kid is gonna need a bleached cheese grater straight to the dome as soon as it gets out if she goes au natural. Go take a shower ‘tasia.

Being shallow can save your life

So I was chatting with my friend Sally Fields and different types of personalities and horoscopes and things of that nature came up. I was already painfully aware of the astrological breakdown of my sign (Gemini) – which mostly summed me up as a manipulative toddler incapable of love or finishing a simple task.

One of the qualities that seemed to keep coming up was just how superficial I am. I tend to think I am on the less ridiculous side of this because although I dress pseudo-interesting/kinda awesome, I have NEVER been a slave to labels. I would rather save my money and go somewhere awesome for the weekend, go out to a great dinner or be able to go on a “moderate” shopping spree where I get a lot of really good items at great bargains.

Last year, my doctor informed me that there is a hereditary blood pressure problem in my family and I was put on water pills to make sure it stayed at a healthy level. Also cut back on any extra sodium (this sucks and my taste buds still are not 100% comfortable with the change, but I feel so much better). Not only have my headaches (volume AND intensity) decreased drastically, but shit got real when my dr told me I would probably have kidney failure by 45 if I kept up the volume of pain relievers I was taking to get through the day and to sleep at night.

HERE’S THE KICKER.

The main reason I decided to adhere to this medical advice is because I know that a direct symptom of kidney failure is yellow skin. I have been told on many different occasions by many different people that my skin tone is PERFECTION. Since i’ll never be a size 0 (short of actual kidney failure) I will take any compliment I can. Great ears? Why thank you. Luscious toenails? You’re too kind. My widows peak is positively radiant? Muchas gracias, senor.

I will be damned if I let this happen to me because I can’t put the salt shaker down.

Like MJ and the Beatles, never really got into the Simpsons....

This is more than enough ammo to make me reach for the low sodium soy sauce.

Thanks superficiality, I owe you one. 😉

Ciao.

Bald and Beautiful

This morning on the subway as I was wedged in between what seemed to be 2 of the most obese women in the greater Boston area, I happened to look up and see an advertisement on the wall.

Disclaimer: I am not going to make a habit of serious posts but I always will share things that mean something to me, funny or not.

So I did some research and its a pretty awesome fundraiser to “honor cancer patients and raise money to fight the disease itself. Participants are sponsored to wear a bald cap for the entire day on October 21”. I lost someone I loved to cancer early this year and I plan on doing this. I would shave my entire head but I just got a new weave, so it is what it is. Anyways, the website is beboldbebald.org – check it out, support it if you want – no pressure but it’s a good cause!

On a lighter note, here is my favorite bald person on the planet – sorry Amber Rose!

Word Vomit

Lindsay Lohan’s character defined this as more of saying things you don’t mean but for me its similar to the actual act of vomiting. When the words that come out are literally nothing more, substance-wise, than the succotash you find in the drain after you do the dishes.

I ran into my boss first thing this morning and instead of saying “Good Morning!” like a normal human I uttered something that sounded incredibly familiar to this.

MEMBA THAT!?!?!?! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

So my boss, of course, looked baffled but remained polite and walked away and we haven’t made eye contact in the hours since.

Fine by me.

The thing with word vomit is it happens at the mossssst inopportune times.

i.e. when you are trying to look cool.

See a hot dood/girl walking towards you? You suck in your stomach and try to mimic somewhat of a catwalk down the sidewalk while coming off as totally nonchalant. Reality? In your daze of “cool” you don’t see the guy coming out of starbucks with 4 mocha lattes with whip cream, dash of vanilla running out because his boss gave him 3 minutes to get back to the office with the order and he has to walk 7 blocks. There may not be an actual spill but you definitely do the awkward stutter step aka the IndecisaJig.

The IndecisaJig is when you are walking down the street, hall, back alley and you bump into someone else, and you do the little dance thing cause you dont know which side to pass on? INDECISAJIG!

The IndecisaJig is actually more embarrassing for not only the persons involved in this terrible version of the cha cha but to all witnesses as well.

OR

When you need to be professional.

I remember in high school I was in DECA (kinda like a competing club for future business leaders), and my partner and I had done well in districts and had moved onto the state competition. One part of the competition was a written exam which we did well in but didn’t lose too much sleep over, this was essentially just a vacay from school. The other part of the competition we were given a business scenario, approximately 5 minutes to prepare and pitch something to a judge. I lost it. I remember my partner starting the pitch and then giving me the cue to jump in. I honestly don’t remember a thing from that point until the time the judge told us our time was up. This was my first experience with a non-alcohol-related blackout. My brain, senses, and bowel movements completely shut down and to this day I have no idea why.

So there ya have it, word vomit at its finest. What a sick joke.

Gotcha betch!

My friend Smitty pointed this out to me months ago, but I didnt have a blog till 2 days ago so you get to find out about it now if u haven’t seen it already.

There isn’t much in life that makes me happier than when people sneak things into movies or shows that usually go unnoticed to the untrained eye.

Over the years (tons of weird and crazy subliminal images and messages in movie theaters in the 70s) there seems to be a sex theme in a lot of these subliminal messages. Because I am weird and depraved I tend to be on the lookout for things like these I caught myself heard about at recess in elementary school and ran home and rewound and rewound my VHS copy of the Little Mermaid and Alladin until it broke.

So I was mad I didnt catch this one, nonetheless excited that I was with someone who caught it with no assistance. Pay attention to the chicky GITTIN IT in the top left corner of the building.

adios.